Why People Misunderstand Love
Fromm begins by explaining that modern people usually misunderstand love in three major ways.
The desire to be loved instead of learning to love
Most people think the problem of love is how to be loved. So they try to become more attractive, more successful, more charming, richer, more popular, or more socially acceptable.
This creates a market-like view of relationships. A person starts asking: “What makes me desirable?” instead of “How can I become more loving?”
Fromm believes this is a shallow starting point. Of course, people want to be loved. But the deeper challenge is not how to attract love. The deeper challenge is how to develop the ability to love.
A person can be admired, desired, and pursued, yet still be unable to love. Attraction can open a door, but it cannot build a mature relationship alone.
The mistake of searching only for the right person
The second mistake is believing that love is mainly about finding the right object. People imagine that once they meet the perfect person, love will become easy.
Fromm does not deny that choosing a suitable partner matters. But he says the obsession with “the right person” hides a deeper problem: the undeveloped self.
If a person is immature, dependent, narcissistic, impatient, or unable to respect another person’s freedom, even the “right person” will not save the relationship. The question is not only “Who should I love?” but also “Who am I becoming?”
This is why mature love is related to character. A person does not suddenly become loving in one relationship while remaining selfish, careless, or irresponsible in every other area of life.
Love as a market exchange in modern society
Fromm also criticizes the way modern society turns relationships into a kind of exchange. People evaluate themselves and others like products: appearance, status, income, personality, social value, and desirability.
In this mindset, love becomes a transaction. Each person looks for the “best deal” available according to their own value in the social market.
This weakens love because real love requires seeing the other person as a full human being, not as a possession, trophy, emotional service, or social upgrade.
The same problem appears in friendship, work, and social life. That is why a book like Never Eat Alone can be useful for understanding the importance of authentic human connection beyond cold networking or self-interest.